Question the Second

[jarandhel]

In my last post, I asked a question: "What is it that lets you know you are my friend, and I care about you?" So far, I've gotten 7 responses to that (6 public, one private), so if you haven't responded yet I would very much appreciate hearing from you.

But I'd like to also pose a follow-up question. What, if anything, do I do that makes you feel as if I don't consider you a close friend? What words of mine tell you that? What, if anything, gives me the appearance of not caring?

If these exercises have been somewhat confusing, I should probably explain. I am attempting to evaluate my communication, particularly in my relationships with the people I care about. The people I consider friends and (chosen) family. I want to make certain that I am consistently sending the message that I do love and care about each of my friends and family. And one of the lessons of NLP is that the meaning of a communication is how it is received. Some people may feel loved when I listen to them. Others, when I tell them jokes and try to cheer them up when they're down. Others when they're hugged or cuddled with. Still others when I give them the space they need to feel comfortable. Or when i feed them. Or when I let them buy me dinner and hang out with them. Or... well, you get the idea. Each of you are different. Each of you have different cues that tell you someone really loves you. You also have different cues that may make you feel unloved. I want to get to know how to properly send the message to each of the people I care about that you are my friends, my family even, and that you are loved.

For my part, I'm highly kinesthetic so it's mainly tangible things that make me feel loved. Hugs and cuddling are really good, even hugs from relative strangers can make me feel rather good. (Complete strangers would creep me out, but I will happily hug someone on a first meeting if a friend is introducing us and the person being introduced strikes me as cool.) But I also have a number of friends who are not that tactile, and they do things that make me feel just as loved. Getting deep into a discussion on esoteric (not just metaphysical, but exotic subjects like NLP or martial arts too) subjects is one thing that really works for me... not just superficial stuff but real meat and new ideas. I know this seems less tangible and more auditory, but it's not for me. The way I relate to studying is very visceral. Having someone to bounce my ideas off of, and to point me towards new ideas, is a very tactile experience for me. It's also, to me, a kind of energetic connection and exchange. (Which is another way to make me feel loved, so all you Reiki addicts who like feeding from me, yeah that makes me feel loved too. :)) Feeding me, or even better letting me cook for you and genuinely enjoying my cooking also make me feel loved. I think you get the idea. There are probably others, but I just made my first batch of instant coffee here at home and I may have made it a wee bit too strong, so I'm having just a tiny bit of trouble focusing at the moment. But yay chocolate creamer! Chocolate creamerized coffee makes me feel loved too. ;-)

Comments

Err, umm... well clear as granite I guess

[daughterofodhin.livejournal.com]

Online aquaintence who I read regularly... yep

Close friend? Hmmmm I have never met you in person, and I don't tend to call internet aquaintences 'friends'. Does that mean there isn't some bond of friendship there? No...

But, as we do not generally interact with each other a whole heck of alot, I would say we were aquaintences, and I wouldn't begin to say you were remiss in being a close friend, because well... being a close friend hasn't been afforded the opportunity as of just yet.

Yeah, clear as granite.

Re: Err, umm... well clear as granite I guess

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

I would tend to agree. I should probably note, this is more directed towards the people I am close to than to the people I have "friended" on LJ. I view "friending" as finding someone interesting and subscribing to a publication they put out. A subset of the people on LJ are close friends, though, and that's the audience I was really addressing. (Though please don't think I would not be open to working on growing closer. You are, obviously, someone I found interesting enough to subscribe to, and I think that mutual interests are a great basis for friendship.)

[kitten-goddess.livejournal.com]

If someone doesn't call me back, I'm inclined to think I'm getting blown off. That's for everyone, not just you.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* Understood. I'm sorry about that, by the way, things have just been really really hectic and the phone is not the best way to reach me generally. (I really mostly keep it for emergencies and to be able to communicate while traveling if there is need.) Email and LJ are the most efficient ways to get me to respond to just about anything. This is for everyone, as well, not just you.

[hasufin.livejournal.com]

Unrelated to this, but I was at the Unique Thrift Shop last weekend, and I noticed they had a lot of nested wooden boxes for I think $5/set. Might be handy for your research.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'll try to swing by there when I get the chance, but now that I'm working in Alexandria rather than Fairfax I get fewer opportunities to stop by there.

[draerendi.livejournal.com]

I am not really sure how to respond to this. I have known you for a while now. I have met you in person but most of the time we correspond on line. I have less of an expectation as such than if we were in close proximity of each other.

[dogemperor.livejournal.com]

As it is, I don't really think you're doing anything to seem unfriendly (if anything, I worry that I seem to be the unfriendly one, not being on AIM too much recently--been doing a shit-ton of research on an ongoing series on LJ and getting the formative stages of a book on dominionism started, when I'm not flat on my ass from migraines).

*snugs*

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

You don't. Hell, the time out from your research you've taken to reply to some of my recent queries about Dominionism would show, all by itself, that you're not unfriendly. *smiles and hugs you tight*

[helen99.livejournal.com]

I tend toward the kinesthetic, so am more aware of feel than words (though I'm not touchy feely with most). The prevalent overall feel I get from you is that you are attracted to an essence that people radiate (otherness?) and to the knowledge they may possess. The feel is that you want to decipher it, to figure it out, to be close to it and thus maybe to decipher it in yourself, and maybe exchange some of it with them. You value this essence and this knowledge and take steps to see to it that it is not squandered or damaged. Also, you want the opportunity to learn more about it and be with it. So from the feel I get, for these and other reasons (it seems) you do things to assist, warn, talk to, and protect. I'm not sure I've ever interpreted this as love, though I have never felt *unloved*, come to think of it, so I could be misreading. Maybe it's more like 'bond of recognition' or 'common essence', but I feel from you more of a wish for an energetic or knowledge exchange.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to think of how to respond to this. I'm really not sure quite how to take it. While there's not anything actually negative about your assessment of me, it leaves me sounding (in my own mind, at least) somewhat cold. That said, I really can't argue with any of it. I am attracted to an essence that people radiate. I would label that essence "dream", personally, rather than otherness (though there is certainly overlap). And yes, there is an attraction to knowledge. And I do want to do all the things with that knowledge that you've described. My friendships all tend to involve shared interests. Even the people I have a romantic or (chosen) familial relationship with are ones I've bonded with over shared interests primarily. I'm not entirely sure I can bond with someone without that.

Thank you. I'm not sure I would have seen this without an outside perspective.

[helen99.livejournal.com]

I think there are people that you do love, and those bonds go beyond the dream, though they may have first begun by recognizing that the dream was there, and if the dream faded, so might the bond fade as well (it probably will not). It's kind of very intertwined that way.