Just a small note:

[jarandhel]

Just so people don't see that last post and freak out, thinking that I'm suicidally depressed or anything: my grandmother is in the hospital dying, and is at a point already where only comfort measures will be given from this point until her passing. The poem was for her, not for myself. I am... mostly numb about it, though it kind of hurts that I no longer have enough feelings about it to be upset anymore... I feel like I've exhausted all my feelings about her eventual death years ago. I've more or less been coming to terms with the fact that she could die on any given day from the time I was in fifth grade till now. I used to come home from school and think to myself that since I got home first and checked in with her every day, if something ever happened to her during the day and she passed away then I would be the first to find her. Over the years that knowledge has just gotten more deeply seated and the result is that I have emotionally come to terms with her death quite a while ago.... it's actually sitting in the hospital room with her waiting for the moment it happens that is wearing on me more emotionally, at the moment. In any event, though, you don't have to worry about me, that last post did not mean I'm contemplating anything stupid. I plan to be sticking around and making your lives interesting for a long, long time to come.

Comments

[starlightforest.livejournal.com]

I hope it turns out in the way that gives the least further stress to everyone concerned.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I think it will... at this point, the most remaining stress is from going to the hospital every day and sitting there with her for hours just waiting for her to die. It feels really weird, since she's not conscious enough to even know we're sitting with her... my father sits there reading a book, and I use my laptop to watch dvds, play games, and write stuff... it ends up feeling really weird to me. I don't even think that her mind and soul are in her body anymore... not even to the extent that they were with the Alzheimer's, which was very little to begin with... I don't sense anything from her at this point, not even when I touch her directly (which normally helps focus my nonphysical senses more sharply.)

[arcaneblades.livejournal.com]

Our sympathies. In cases where there is a long illness, especially with dementias and alzheimers, it isn't uncommon to have come to terms with death long before it occurs. Don't let other people's need for grief make you feel guilty for having dealt with yours.

take care

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting way to put it... thank you for your insight.

[arhuaine.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know that this is an unpleasant and emotional situation for you. I'm worried about you but not in that sense; mainly I'm worrying that you're not taking enough time to care for yourself. The waiting is the worst part.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*gently hugs you* Don't worry, sis, I'm taking good care of myself... think of all the people I'd have to answer to if I didn't. ;-) (You probably being near the top of that list.)

[hai-kah-uhk.livejournal.com]

I read that in a survey, 75% of people who had cared for a relative with Alzheimer's felt strongly relieved at their passing. It didn't take much thought for me to empathize with them... and with you.

Just wanted to remind you you're not alone. *hugs*

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*hugs back gently* Yeah... I don't know if relief is quite the right word... but it will be a release. She was one of the last things truly binding me here in any significant way. Without having to plan around her needs, the other flows that I have been working to bring about this year will actually be much easier I think.

[hai-kah-uhk.livejournal.com]

Just don't worry about being selfish. You have a lot of catching up to do, and you may have to be selfish for much of it. You've got a ton of potential you haven't been able to meet while you've been stuck with those responsibilities, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with them now.

Remember, death is a good thing. So is grieving. The ability to feel pain is a rare gift only the self-aware are given.

[dogemperor.livejournal.com]

In my own way...I can understand how you feel (having had a grandfather and an uncle who both died of cancer, my grandfather from brain cancer at that; in both cases I'd actually come to terms long before their actual deaths that they were in fact going to die and had made my peace with that fact). And yes, after a while, you *do* get numb over it...

I myself wish there was more that I could do...but at the same time (having experienced something similar, though of shorter duration) I know at this point...her passing means she won't suffer. Which, in its own way, may be best for all involved...I'll frankly admit that the efforts they made to keep my grandfather alive are what *directly* lead me to write a living will (that states that only comfort measures are to be taken if I'm ever, god forbid, "terminal") and the way my uncle passed (where only comfort measures were taken at the end) was, I think, in its own way, kinder...

I'm sorry you have to go through all that, but...I do hope and pray things will work out for the best for all involved. *hugs you tight, doesn't let go*

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* I'm the opposite, I'm going to fight tooth and claw for every last breath I can take in this life... but I'm at least starting to make my peace with the idea of my eventual death in the far, far distant future. ;-) Helps to have gotten to know him, IMO. *grins and winks*

*HUGS*

[yaoipornstar.livejournal.com]

As I've said before, my thoughts go with you. And your family as well.

Re: *HUGS*

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*big tight hugs* I know, bro... and it means a lot. Thank you. :)

[zaecus.livejournal.com]

I hope everyone finds a little peace.

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

*nods* I think we will. Thank you. I hope everything with you works out too...

Re: "Someday all things will be fair and there will be wonderful surprises. I truly do believe this

[jarandhel.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the offer, and I may take you up on it sometime soon (I will need your number again, you're right it has been a while) but please... don't assume you know my feelings better than I do. I have spent a lot of time over the past few years exploring who I am and what that means, and while I realize your intentions are merely to offer comfort in a difficult time, correcting me about how I feel based on how you think I must feel is not the best way to do that.