![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Giving a man a fish is a dangerous thing. It may satisfy his hunger, but it also puts him into a position where he will wonder who might give him his next fish.
I have put myself in the position of regularly providing that proverbial fish at least twice. The first time was with Adara. I have to admit that much of what made that relationship dysfunctional was allowed to continue because of me and my actions. By cooking for her, by cutting firewood, and introducing her to phone cards to avoid unexpectedly high phone bills, and paying some of her bills with my money from the army, and possibly most of all by acting as a diplomat on her behalf to try to mend relations between her and others. None of these things, by itself, is wrongful in any way, but by doing them for her it allowed her to continue wrongful actions which would later come back to hurt both me and others. If I had not done them, and she had been forced to do them herself, I can't help but feel that much of her dysfunction would not have been possible to maintain as there simply would not have been time or the resources for it.
Now, I'm back in a similar position with my parents. My functionality makes their dysfunction possible. As but one example: I agree to watch my grandmother for a few hours, they go out and do errands but also spend a great deal of money on unnecessary things like videos or eating out regularly when there's plenty of food at home. Sometimes they even mask their financial irresponsibility as getting me presents, like videos I might like. I've started dealing with that by selling some of the videos on half.com and once I start getting payments I intend to put the money into a joint account that Dusk and I are maintaining as a means of saving a nest egg for when we can live together. The parallels between these two circumstances are really rather staggering to think about.
And from all of these thoughts, and the stimulation of recent reading in Rialian's journal, a revelation emerges: it is not possible to connect symbiotically with someone who gives nothing in return. To attempt to do so will allow the other to become a parasite, as they will take the things you offer to them in symbiosis and return nothing. The only way to even approach a non-parasitic relationship with such a person, as a naturally symbiotic being yourself, is to offer them only the tools they need to make themselves non-parasitic; giving them the very tools they will need in order to be able to respond symbiotically in turn to yourself or to others. If they do not accept the offering you have lost nothing and may move on, and if they do accept it then they will have taken a significant step away from parasitic behavior.
Amazing how the solution to such a complex situation reduces to the old adage: "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime."
I have put myself in the position of regularly providing that proverbial fish at least twice. The first time was with Adara. I have to admit that much of what made that relationship dysfunctional was allowed to continue because of me and my actions. By cooking for her, by cutting firewood, and introducing her to phone cards to avoid unexpectedly high phone bills, and paying some of her bills with my money from the army, and possibly most of all by acting as a diplomat on her behalf to try to mend relations between her and others. None of these things, by itself, is wrongful in any way, but by doing them for her it allowed her to continue wrongful actions which would later come back to hurt both me and others. If I had not done them, and she had been forced to do them herself, I can't help but feel that much of her dysfunction would not have been possible to maintain as there simply would not have been time or the resources for it.
Now, I'm back in a similar position with my parents. My functionality makes their dysfunction possible. As but one example: I agree to watch my grandmother for a few hours, they go out and do errands but also spend a great deal of money on unnecessary things like videos or eating out regularly when there's plenty of food at home. Sometimes they even mask their financial irresponsibility as getting me presents, like videos I might like. I've started dealing with that by selling some of the videos on half.com and once I start getting payments I intend to put the money into a joint account that Dusk and I are maintaining as a means of saving a nest egg for when we can live together. The parallels between these two circumstances are really rather staggering to think about.
And from all of these thoughts, and the stimulation of recent reading in Rialian's journal, a revelation emerges: it is not possible to connect symbiotically with someone who gives nothing in return. To attempt to do so will allow the other to become a parasite, as they will take the things you offer to them in symbiosis and return nothing. The only way to even approach a non-parasitic relationship with such a person, as a naturally symbiotic being yourself, is to offer them only the tools they need to make themselves non-parasitic; giving them the very tools they will need in order to be able to respond symbiotically in turn to yourself or to others. If they do not accept the offering you have lost nothing and may move on, and if they do accept it then they will have taken a significant step away from parasitic behavior.
Amazing how the solution to such a complex situation reduces to the old adage: "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime."
no subject