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In the process of replying to the comments on my last post, I've been made more aware of how much my viewpoint on the issue of contributing something to the gathers you attend is shaped and affected by my views of Eldership. I've been working for some time now on formulating a way to articulate and explain those views, and now it seems like it's needed.
For longer than I have been part of the otherkin community, certain individuals within the community have been referred to as "elders". I've never heard the term formally defined, but generally the idea harkens back to tribal cultures and the role older members traditionally play in such communities.
The term has, sadly, also been used by some individuals intent on manipulating others and gaining a position of status or authority in the community. Often these have been leaders of cults of personality, and have generally introduced an abuse element into the community. There's also a tendency by some members of the community to turn people generally recognized as elders into symbols, rather than individuals. They are looking more for a guru or mentor than someone who facilitates community, and tend to dehumanize the people they apply the term to. As a result of both of these negative uses, many people have shied away from using the term elder at all.
I don't shy away from it. I don't choose to let either the cultists or the courtiers take ownership of that term. There are many in the otherkin community who I would consider elders, either in the past or present. And I would hope, dearly, that there will be many more in the future. I aspire to be one myself, and I try to let that guide my interaction with the community. The writing I do, the resources (mailing lists and websites) I create and moderate, the workshops I run... everything I do is part of my effort to embody what a community elder should be. I don't know if I've achieved my goal yet or not, and I actually doubt that it is the kind of goal that can be achieved in any static sense, but the attempt has guided my path and will no doubt continue to.
As for what eldership means, in my opinion, I would have to draw from traditional tribal eldership to some extent. Foremost, I think that being an elder means being an example. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. In our community, living in a way that is both functional and expresses that which makes us Other. Being an inspiration for others through their example. Also being a caution for others through the example of their mistakes, since elders are individuals as well and are not perfect. Which also means owning up to one's mistakes, taking responsibility for them, and allowing them to serve as lessons for others rather than trying to hide them.
Another aspect of what makes someone an elder is the willingness to build. To build resources, to build events, to build community. An elder gives back to the community. If an elder needs/wants a resource which doesn't already exist in the community, the elder may try to make themselves enough of an expert in that field to be able to provide that resource to the community. Conversely, if something is outside of an elder's experience and they cannot make themselves enough of a expert to successfully provide that resource, they know enough to mind their own business and leave it to those more experienced in that area. They don't presume to think that their personal knowledge and experience covers every area of study, or every problem of the community, unless they have put in real effort to make it so.
Eldership is also defined, in my opinion, by a certain willingness to serve. To help others when it is needed (within reason), to reach out to people, and to provide some measure of comfort and healing. It is embodied by the person who drives to be at a sick friend's side, and stays with them and their family through the night, even when it is inconvenient to do so. It is embodied by the person who takes the time to ask "Are you SURE?" when a friend is considering an ill-advised decision. It is embodied by the person who opens their home to others on a regular basis as a sanctuary, as a place to be themselves. It is embodied by the person who listens to the problems a friend has and offers candid advice without judging them. Even by the person, in our community, who takes the time to listen to the newly awakening and talk with them one-on-one without speaking down to them.
That last also leads me to another quality of Eldership: the willingness to learn. A real elder is someone who isn't just interested in passing on knowledge, they're interested in accquiring more. And they're willing to look to those more experienced than themselves, to their own peers, and also to those less experienced who may have their own unique lessons and insights to share. Because of this willingness to learn, real elders deal with everyone as equals, unless an individual's actions prove that they are of low quality. And when that happens, elders (even the more forgiving ones, who may wait for a pattern to establish itself before deciding that someone is of low quality) tend to have long memories, and share those memories with others.
Sharing memories and knowledge is also a function of an elder... one that is particularly necessary in a community such as ours, which primarily interacts over the internet. The turnover on mailing lists, as well as the tendency to forget things when a thread has ended, combine to make it very important that there be members of the community who take pains to remember, and even record, the past. Many events, and more importantly the lessons that can be taken from such events, should not be forgotten.
All in all, being an elder takes work. It involves a great deal of personal refinement, of dedication to the community, and even personal sacrifice. It's not an easy path, and the resultant status in the eyes of the community (if it ever comes) is a reward for the time and energy you have put into it, not an end unto itself. Abusing that status should be a clear indication that someone should not be considered an elder, and lead to people looking more closely at just what it is the false elder claims to have contributed to the community.
Ultimately, I would like to see a community where there are more elders. Where it is expected that the people who stick around, who become mainstays of the community, will take up such a role and begin building community themselves. Where it is expected that people will and should want to become elders in this sense, and where people take the time to articulate what an elder is and how to go about becoming one. Where people who regularly attend gatherings will take the time and effort to help facilitate the gathering in some way, to contribute to it and make it better.
With these people we can grow as a community. Without them, we can only stagnate and decline. I'd like to see more people stepping up to the challenge.
For longer than I have been part of the otherkin community, certain individuals within the community have been referred to as "elders". I've never heard the term formally defined, but generally the idea harkens back to tribal cultures and the role older members traditionally play in such communities.
The term has, sadly, also been used by some individuals intent on manipulating others and gaining a position of status or authority in the community. Often these have been leaders of cults of personality, and have generally introduced an abuse element into the community. There's also a tendency by some members of the community to turn people generally recognized as elders into symbols, rather than individuals. They are looking more for a guru or mentor than someone who facilitates community, and tend to dehumanize the people they apply the term to. As a result of both of these negative uses, many people have shied away from using the term elder at all.
I don't shy away from it. I don't choose to let either the cultists or the courtiers take ownership of that term. There are many in the otherkin community who I would consider elders, either in the past or present. And I would hope, dearly, that there will be many more in the future. I aspire to be one myself, and I try to let that guide my interaction with the community. The writing I do, the resources (mailing lists and websites) I create and moderate, the workshops I run... everything I do is part of my effort to embody what a community elder should be. I don't know if I've achieved my goal yet or not, and I actually doubt that it is the kind of goal that can be achieved in any static sense, but the attempt has guided my path and will no doubt continue to.
As for what eldership means, in my opinion, I would have to draw from traditional tribal eldership to some extent. Foremost, I think that being an elder means being an example. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. In our community, living in a way that is both functional and expresses that which makes us Other. Being an inspiration for others through their example. Also being a caution for others through the example of their mistakes, since elders are individuals as well and are not perfect. Which also means owning up to one's mistakes, taking responsibility for them, and allowing them to serve as lessons for others rather than trying to hide them.
Another aspect of what makes someone an elder is the willingness to build. To build resources, to build events, to build community. An elder gives back to the community. If an elder needs/wants a resource which doesn't already exist in the community, the elder may try to make themselves enough of an expert in that field to be able to provide that resource to the community. Conversely, if something is outside of an elder's experience and they cannot make themselves enough of a expert to successfully provide that resource, they know enough to mind their own business and leave it to those more experienced in that area. They don't presume to think that their personal knowledge and experience covers every area of study, or every problem of the community, unless they have put in real effort to make it so.
Eldership is also defined, in my opinion, by a certain willingness to serve. To help others when it is needed (within reason), to reach out to people, and to provide some measure of comfort and healing. It is embodied by the person who drives to be at a sick friend's side, and stays with them and their family through the night, even when it is inconvenient to do so. It is embodied by the person who takes the time to ask "Are you SURE?" when a friend is considering an ill-advised decision. It is embodied by the person who opens their home to others on a regular basis as a sanctuary, as a place to be themselves. It is embodied by the person who listens to the problems a friend has and offers candid advice without judging them. Even by the person, in our community, who takes the time to listen to the newly awakening and talk with them one-on-one without speaking down to them.
That last also leads me to another quality of Eldership: the willingness to learn. A real elder is someone who isn't just interested in passing on knowledge, they're interested in accquiring more. And they're willing to look to those more experienced than themselves, to their own peers, and also to those less experienced who may have their own unique lessons and insights to share. Because of this willingness to learn, real elders deal with everyone as equals, unless an individual's actions prove that they are of low quality. And when that happens, elders (even the more forgiving ones, who may wait for a pattern to establish itself before deciding that someone is of low quality) tend to have long memories, and share those memories with others.
Sharing memories and knowledge is also a function of an elder... one that is particularly necessary in a community such as ours, which primarily interacts over the internet. The turnover on mailing lists, as well as the tendency to forget things when a thread has ended, combine to make it very important that there be members of the community who take pains to remember, and even record, the past. Many events, and more importantly the lessons that can be taken from such events, should not be forgotten.
All in all, being an elder takes work. It involves a great deal of personal refinement, of dedication to the community, and even personal sacrifice. It's not an easy path, and the resultant status in the eyes of the community (if it ever comes) is a reward for the time and energy you have put into it, not an end unto itself. Abusing that status should be a clear indication that someone should not be considered an elder, and lead to people looking more closely at just what it is the false elder claims to have contributed to the community.
Ultimately, I would like to see a community where there are more elders. Where it is expected that the people who stick around, who become mainstays of the community, will take up such a role and begin building community themselves. Where it is expected that people will and should want to become elders in this sense, and where people take the time to articulate what an elder is and how to go about becoming one. Where people who regularly attend gatherings will take the time and effort to help facilitate the gathering in some way, to contribute to it and make it better.
With these people we can grow as a community. Without them, we can only stagnate and decline. I'd like to see more people stepping up to the challenge.
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no subject
A glorious, and amazing idea that should be striven for. That will get trampled by people being people...and having that happen to one's cherished planned framework's painful as hell.
We're all saying: "Dude!! Look out for the pit!" but you're hearing it as a challenge.
no subject
You might be right that people will trample it... but aren't they doing that already, without any help? The word is currently in use, and generally being abused. Trying to remove the word from usage is, practically speaking, near impossible. It's too familiar a term for any english speaker. It will always sneak back in to describe people filling a certain role, because it is the best english word for that role and has a historic connection to the role in the minds of english speakers. I say we try to work with the term, rather than against it. Nudge it back in the proper direction. Promote the things which make good elders, and encourage the idea that anyone can become an elder.
I'd probably see this discussion more as a warning of potential pitfalls and less as challenge if the ad-hominem arguments had been left out of it. Both Solo and Corey have made it a point to specifically attack my reasons for striving to act like an elder. They've accused me of wanting status, suggested I am missing something in my life. Claimed that I was loudly proclaiming the things I've done in order to seek recognition. This has even gone so far that Duo, Solo's brother and headmate, has said (via text-message) that by responding further to Solo's comments in my own journal I am "instigating", and has compared me to a cult leader we have a mutual bad history with.
If people want to discuss the idea itself, fine. I will not be responding to further "questions" about my motives. I believe my character, both in the past and the present, speaks for itself. If it doesn't, then I've been wasting my time anyway.
no subject
Like he wasn't instigating too in some of his comments? Like you didn't respond by comparing me to an equally nasty individual?
Please don't make our private discussions public like this. Thats why I chose not to handle it on the internet. This was between me and you, and no one else.
Please remember there are two sides to every story. I apologized for my nasty comment, and I'm trying to sort this out with you, but this is Not Cool.
~Duo
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As for the discussion, it started public. Then you made a private attempt to get me to terminate my end of the public conversation after your brother had his say. It was originally between me and the others here. Not with you, whether reading our argument was giving you a migraine or not. This is my journal. If people choose to respond to my writings here, I will reply if I choose to. Period.
You're right this is very not cool. And I'm willing to accept the apology and try to move past this, but I'm not sure you actually see why it was wrong. The comparison was only one aspect of the problem. Taking it private and trying to get me to stop commenting in my own journal was also wrong.
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~Duo
no subject
The first relationship I was in after joining the otherkin community ended because of a public debate I was having. (Admittedly, in that debate I was in the wrong.) He left a message for me in private IM that his patron Goddess was offended by the debate, and warned me not to continue it or our relationship would be over. Of course, I was in the kitchen at the time making dinner, and the person I was living with had taken my place at the computer, and didn't see fit to tell me about this message. I continued the debate, and there followed a very nasty, very public, breakup via the mailing list the debate was happening on.
That said, I shouldn't take the past out on you. You're not him, nor are you the person we each compared the other to. So reacting to your actions as if you were either of them is probably inappropriate, and I'm sorry. We can take this back to a private discussion if that's what you really want.
no subject
I'm sorry I made those comments, and I'm sorry you're acting this way towards me. I am not happy about this.
~Duo
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no subject
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Do you see what I am saying? I don't know how to make myself any clearer than this. I apologize if you took it as an attack.