I'm starting to think that I really don't understand my parents at all... something that happened a week or two ago has been sticking in my head for some odd reason, and it's made me think of a bunch of other things from my childhood that, in retrospect, seem odd.
I have been kicking ass around here lately with my spring cleaning marathon... I've been getting rid of tons of junk, organizing the things we really need, and really starting to make this place liveable again. (For those who are unfamiliar with the backstory, I've been living with my father at my grandmother's ever since she fell a little over a year ago and broke her hip. She's fine now, but she also has Alzheimers and really can't be left alone anymore... so, right away, we have all of her old stuff (and she was quite a packrat when she was younger) PLUS our own stuff. Already that's a recipe for clutter. Add to this that, because of her Alzheimers, she hadn't been cleaning this place for quite a while, and my father hasn't seen fit to try cleaning up at all since he's been over here, so all the cleaning has fallen to me. I got a bit swamped by it at first, but now that I'm more organized I'm really starting to kick ass with the cleaning job... ) Anyway, I've cleaned up the living room and kitchen and made TONS of space, and gotten things looking much nicer, and my mother walks in... I show it all to her and she goes "That's great. Now if you could just work on dusting it regularly..." (paraphrased because I don't remember her exact words, but it was definately a slight compliment and then a remark to dust better/more...) Is that the kind of comment most people would expect when doing a damned good job cleaning? I mean, I know that I'm biased since I'm the one doing it, but this is SO much better than it had been... it just seems odd to me that she would give such a left handed compliment.
But that got me thinking last night... I don't know that I've ever gotten a regular compliment from her... even in school it was always "you're doing alright, but I know you can do better, you're much smarter than this, you're not going to get into college this way" (I was told from like kindergarten that my only way into college was a scholarship or the army, which might explain that lapse of judgement I call my brief enlistment and thankfully quick entry level discharge) My father's told me that her mother was kind of the same way... and, just like her mother, she'll go on for hours on the phone to relatives about what's wrong in my life and only tell good things if I've done something exceptional like get my name in the paper.
My father's a bit better, he'll thank me and tell me I'm doing a good job, but it's always in a tone of complete disinterest... I get the feeling that he thinks there are lots better ways I could be spending my time than cleaning the house, he certainly hasn't lifted a finger to help unless I've specifically pried him away from the computer to help me do something I can't do on my own.
I don't really have a point for this entry, I mostly just needed to vent a bit... I never really realized how much the lack of emotional support from my human family has bothered me until now.
I also have a decision that I need to make, sooner or later (and sooner might be a better idea at this point, my grandfather's not getting any younger)... whether or not to tell my grandfather (who has been likened by my parents to Archie Bunker on many occasions) about the reason I left the army and about Dusk. On the one hand, I'd like to tell him... I've been spending more time with him lately, now that his eyesight is going and he needs to be driven to get groceries every month, and I've been enjoying talking to him and spending time with him. But every time I go he asks me if I have a girlfriend and what I'm going to do for valentines day with my girlfriend and what I'm going to do for easter with my girlfriend... the first time he asked it kind of caught me off guard, and I didn't know what to say, so I just said I hadn't planned anything for Valentines... the second time I told him I didn't have a girlfriend anymore, and he took it that we'd broken up, commented that I've gone through more girlfriends than he ever did... I don't know what to tell him this time. I think I really want to tell him about Dusk, but my mother AND my aunt told me never EVER to tell this to him, they didn't think he could handle it. (Plus I'm not sure if he still owns that gun he used to... might have to make sure that's out of the house before I tell him.) Then there's the question of how to tell him, and when, and what to do if he does take it badly... I don't know, it's a lot to think about before I make my decision.
-Jarin, who is starting to wish he didn't have a human family.
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