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Reading an interesting essay that Rialian posted a link to in his journal... this part in particular has caught my eye at the moment: "The troll will use you to gain access and introductions to other people. These people will be the ones to whom the troll will tell ugly fantasies about you, and will also be the troll's next victims after you've been used up."
It makes me think of some things that I used to hear a lot... "Jarin, why don't you tell people about me? Why don't you ever introduce me to people? Are you ashamed of me? said you don't believe in me anymore... I guess they were right..."
For a long time now I've felt troubled by the way things went with Desi... I've often felt like a failure for not finding a way to help her deal with whatever inner demons drove her to do the things she did, and I've also felt like a failure for not seeing the harm to others before it happened and preventing it. Also, I was raised in a religion which teaches forgiveness and though I am no longer a follower of that religion I still believe in giving others chances to change and be forgiven... all of these things, as well as simply loving and caring unconditionally for someone I consider my little sister, have made me feel regret over the way events unfolded.
However, reading this essay has helped me realize some things... I had already realized that Desi simply was not safe to be around as she is now, but there are two neccessary corralaries to that: While change may be possible for her, I am not a qualified professional who can help her change... it would take years of psychological counseling to do that, if anything could. Secondly, chances at redemption should only come after one has had a reasonable opportunity to change... if change can only come after years of psychological help, and years have not gone by nor has such help even been sought out yet, then a second chance has not been earned and to give one anyway is not an act of forgiveness. It is an act of abetment, enabling the person to resume their actions without contest. I see that now, and I better understand that a true act of love for such a person is to stand firm and not give such a second chance unless it has been earned, since to do otherwise is preventing them from getting the help they need.
I very much needed to understand that side of it.
It makes me think of some things that I used to hear a lot... "Jarin, why don't you tell people about me? Why don't you ever introduce me to people? Are you ashamed of me?
For a long time now I've felt troubled by the way things went with Desi... I've often felt like a failure for not finding a way to help her deal with whatever inner demons drove her to do the things she did, and I've also felt like a failure for not seeing the harm to others before it happened and preventing it. Also, I was raised in a religion which teaches forgiveness and though I am no longer a follower of that religion I still believe in giving others chances to change and be forgiven... all of these things, as well as simply loving and caring unconditionally for someone I consider my little sister, have made me feel regret over the way events unfolded.
However, reading this essay has helped me realize some things... I had already realized that Desi simply was not safe to be around as she is now, but there are two neccessary corralaries to that: While change may be possible for her, I am not a qualified professional who can help her change... it would take years of psychological counseling to do that, if anything could. Secondly, chances at redemption should only come after one has had a reasonable opportunity to change... if change can only come after years of psychological help, and years have not gone by nor has such help even been sought out yet, then a second chance has not been earned and to give one anyway is not an act of forgiveness. It is an act of abetment, enabling the person to resume their actions without contest. I see that now, and I better understand that a true act of love for such a person is to stand firm and not give such a second chance unless it has been earned, since to do otherwise is preventing them from getting the help they need.
I very much needed to understand that side of it.
