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If you're not Dusk or Ally, this may be TMI... or not. You decide.
( How would you be fucked in hentai anime quiz result )
( How would you be fucked in hentai anime quiz result )
August 10th, 2003
I still have a lot to learn about this pattern, and I haven't really developed strategies to deal with it in the long-term yet, but since I've become aware of it I've noticed more and more things that I am doing to defeat myself... some of which I can clearly see are expressions of repressed agression, others I'm really not sure why the hell I've been doing them. In many cases, I've decided to start now to end those behaviors and finally get ahead in the areas I've been sabatoging myself in. The most immediate thing is: that damned change jar is getting emptied ASAP, and all of the coins in it are going to be put into rolls and deposited in my bank account. No matter how "neat" it would have been to have 100 dollars in change in one jar, I can't help but feel that the interest would be a lot neater and ultimately would help me achieve my goals more than the distinction of being dorky enough to get 100 dollars in change in one jar.
Secondly: I've been thinking for a while now about getting a new computer. I've had my heart set on a spiffy new TabletPC. That ends as well. I'm going cheap, I'm going functional, and fancy portable computers can wait until I'm at a better point in my life. All I really *need* is a faster computer with a bigger hard drive to keep up with advances in applications (my current computer is wasted both in terms of memory and space) and I intend to get just that rather than holding out for a tablet pc or even a notebook computer of some kind. I'll even strongly be considering my mate's advice about getting a Mac, which I am researching with growing interest at the moment. (Don't get your heart set on it just yet, though, love... I still am strongly enamoured of a few PC programs, though I'm getting very very tempted now.) I'm not sure just yet when I will be getting that... unless I do somehow end up getting a notebook, I'll probably have to wait until I move out of here to get it, since there's really no space for a second computer in here and I am NOT sharing another computer with my human father.
On that note, however, I'll be starting to take more proactive measures to move out as well, thanks to some advice from Dusk and the realization that I may be sabatoging myself in that area as well. (And/or letting my parents sabotage me.) I don't have a real plan yet... the planning process always seems to stall out somewhere after "save up money", usually because I don't really know how to go about getting out of this situation. I know, in the end, I'm going to need to address three different areas: transporation, employment, and housing. Unfortunately, it seems to me that each of these things all but requires the other two to get... though it just occurred to me that this may be the very point I'm sabatoging myself at by creating artificial rules. Transportation does not have to equal transportation I own, after all... worst case scenario I can probably convince Dusk to help me move with his truck, so as long as I have money saved up to rent an apartment and pay the bills there I should theoretically be able to move out and seek a job. Getting the job may be tricky due to my lack of real work history... (or maybe I'm being overly pessemistic)... but in a situation where I could really be out looking for a job all day every day until I found one and didn't have to devote most of my time during the day to acting as driver for someone or taking care of someone, shouldn't I be able to find SOMETHING that would meet my needs and let me finally become really independant? And once I have a job that lets me do that, and even save up money, I can take care of some of my other goals like eventually taking some college courses and also persuing eventual self-employment as one of the owners of a pagan store.
It also may, increasingly, be an option to get a job while still living here. My father takes care of my grandmother currently till almost 3PM most days, sometimes even later. She also rarely gets up at night anymore, though occasionally she still wanders around in the very early hours of the morning. If I got a job during the day, actually slept at night, and my father actually learned to schedule doctors appointments and similar crap around my work schedule rather than vice versa, things should still be able to work out. (And I swear if he ever tries to pull bullshit of having me take him out for one thing after work, and then saving the other thing, directly adjacent to where we are for the first errand, for the next day when I have off work on the grounds that it'd "be easier for me to spread it out" I will KILL him.)
In fact, I think I'm going to begin preparations to do exactly that (getting a job NOW, not killing my father)... I just need to alter my sleep patterns and also get a few new clothes suitable for interviews and actually working again (a lot of my present wardrobe is beginning to wear out at the moment, and I've been planning to update it anyway) and I should be able to start actively looking again as long as I can make my father understand that me being awake earlier than usual is not a blank check for him to shove my grandmother at me and go do his own thing.
Yeah... so... I have absolutely no idea of what else I can say, or how to end this post in a way that makes a bit of sense, so I guess that's it. Wish me luck, I guess.
Secondly: I've been thinking for a while now about getting a new computer. I've had my heart set on a spiffy new TabletPC. That ends as well. I'm going cheap, I'm going functional, and fancy portable computers can wait until I'm at a better point in my life. All I really *need* is a faster computer with a bigger hard drive to keep up with advances in applications (my current computer is wasted both in terms of memory and space) and I intend to get just that rather than holding out for a tablet pc or even a notebook computer of some kind. I'll even strongly be considering my mate's advice about getting a Mac, which I am researching with growing interest at the moment. (Don't get your heart set on it just yet, though, love... I still am strongly enamoured of a few PC programs, though I'm getting very very tempted now.) I'm not sure just yet when I will be getting that... unless I do somehow end up getting a notebook, I'll probably have to wait until I move out of here to get it, since there's really no space for a second computer in here and I am NOT sharing another computer with my human father.
On that note, however, I'll be starting to take more proactive measures to move out as well, thanks to some advice from Dusk and the realization that I may be sabatoging myself in that area as well. (And/or letting my parents sabotage me.) I don't have a real plan yet... the planning process always seems to stall out somewhere after "save up money", usually because I don't really know how to go about getting out of this situation. I know, in the end, I'm going to need to address three different areas: transporation, employment, and housing. Unfortunately, it seems to me that each of these things all but requires the other two to get... though it just occurred to me that this may be the very point I'm sabatoging myself at by creating artificial rules. Transportation does not have to equal transportation I own, after all... worst case scenario I can probably convince Dusk to help me move with his truck, so as long as I have money saved up to rent an apartment and pay the bills there I should theoretically be able to move out and seek a job. Getting the job may be tricky due to my lack of real work history... (or maybe I'm being overly pessemistic)... but in a situation where I could really be out looking for a job all day every day until I found one and didn't have to devote most of my time during the day to acting as driver for someone or taking care of someone, shouldn't I be able to find SOMETHING that would meet my needs and let me finally become really independant? And once I have a job that lets me do that, and even save up money, I can take care of some of my other goals like eventually taking some college courses and also persuing eventual self-employment as one of the owners of a pagan store.
It also may, increasingly, be an option to get a job while still living here. My father takes care of my grandmother currently till almost 3PM most days, sometimes even later. She also rarely gets up at night anymore, though occasionally she still wanders around in the very early hours of the morning. If I got a job during the day, actually slept at night, and my father actually learned to schedule doctors appointments and similar crap around my work schedule rather than vice versa, things should still be able to work out. (And I swear if he ever tries to pull bullshit of having me take him out for one thing after work, and then saving the other thing, directly adjacent to where we are for the first errand, for the next day when I have off work on the grounds that it'd "be easier for me to spread it out" I will KILL him.)
In fact, I think I'm going to begin preparations to do exactly that (getting a job NOW, not killing my father)... I just need to alter my sleep patterns and also get a few new clothes suitable for interviews and actually working again (a lot of my present wardrobe is beginning to wear out at the moment, and I've been planning to update it anyway) and I should be able to start actively looking again as long as I can make my father understand that me being awake earlier than usual is not a blank check for him to shove my grandmother at me and go do his own thing.
Yeah... so... I have absolutely no idea of what else I can say, or how to end this post in a way that makes a bit of sense, so I guess that's it. Wish me luck, I guess.
*giggles* I told Dusk that he has finally convinced me to get a Mac of some sort as my next computer. He seems happy, doesn't he?
http://queerintheburg.livejournal.com/154954.html
http://queerintheburg.livejournal.com/154954.html
